Every year, our oldest daughter Nia prepares weeks in advance for the first day of school.

The backpack jammed full of notebooks and school supplies waits by the door, her new outfit is assembled nearby and she’s eager to meet her new teacher, familiar classmates and the challenges of a higher grade.

Aside from the bullying dilemma she faced last year, Nia remains a fun and approachable girl who enjoys the social aspect of class and treats classmate. the way she would like to be treated.

The few times that she’s encountered rudeness or ‘the mean girl syndrome’—girls refusing to play with her because she’s friends with the ‘wrong’ person hasn’t caused lingering issues because we’ve taught our daughter to not get caught up in the self-defeating pattern of “going along to get along,” a phenomenon described in a recent New York Times article by Catherine Newman
titled.” I Do Not Want My Daughter To Be Nice.”

After describing herself as a “radical, card-carrying feminist,” Newman is proud that her 10-year-old daughter Birdy gives the mean mug to strangers instead of smiling, is unapologetically blunt in voicing displeasure about what bothers her, and could care less about being cute.

“Do I think it is a good idea for girls to engage with zealously leering
men, like the creepy guy in the hardware store who is telling her how pretty she is? I do not.” Newman writes. “I want my daughter to be tough, to say no, to waste exactly zero of her God-given energy on the sexual, emotional and psychological demands of lame men — of lame anybodies. I don’t want her to accommodate and please.”

On some levels, I feel her. I certainly don’t want to raise daughters who are so pressed about popularity that they tie themselves into knots and fall into a spineless “whatever-you-like” mode to blend in rather than stand out. I also don’t want rude behavior by either sex that’s been purposely aimed
at Layla or Nia to be dismissed as a “joke” when it’s actually an insult that they’ve been callously expected to get over or suck up.

On the other hand, we don’t want them to be angry and anti-social either. Kindness and compassion are traits that need to be nurtured in children, along with assertiveness.

Allowing a child to openly scoff at people who are merely offering pleasantries could backfire and sets them up to feel
resentment toward the world at large. In other words, being “mega-mean” can be just as off-putting and disingenuous as being “super-nice.

There needs to be a balance created. between the two extremes and with time, our children’s own preferences and personalities will help determine which method works best for which scenario.

Nia has had a couple of years to practice what we’ve taught her since the pre-school years:

“Follow the golden rule, keep your hands to yourself and don’t allow others to invade your space with unwanted touches or hair-pulling. If someone wants to poke fun at your hairstyle, the way you look or choice of clothing, tell them that God made you beautiful, warn them to stop and leave the area to tell a teacher if they don’t get the message. Not everyone sis going to like you, but that doesn’t give people the right to treat you badly either.”

It will be years before we can determine if those guidelines have effectively shielded the girls from being easy targets of kiddie cliques. But what we do know for sure is that when Darius, Nia and Layla begin the school day, they take along healthy amounts of self-esteem, coping skills and the ability to have and make friends.

And along with the three Rs, those social lessons are just as essential to retain.