“Can’t I criticize what I love?” Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon
It’s as close as your Facebook feed, your teenager’s tweets, your girlfriend’s Instagram or Uncle’s Pinterest boards: all of us are witnessing—and to a degree, participating in—-a social-media-driven celebration of self. It’s the famous James Brown refrain from “Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine” constantly being demonstrated in selfie after selfie and within dozens of status updates: “Fellas, I’m ready to get up and do my thing! I want to get into it Man, you know?”
And most of the time, it’s just harmless diversion. We all need a break from our responsibilities from time to time, of course, and self-expression is a healthy way to refresh and recharge. But when one’s self-indulgences or desires to ‘do my thing’ becomes destructive and negatively impact others, it becomes time for someone—-preferably, a ‘someone’ with wisdom who cares about us—-to well, put the wayward person in check, so to speak. But often, what is offered in a loving criticism these days is brushed off as “hating,” an over-used reflex that’s making more weaklings than winners of us all.
Hearing less-than-flattering truths about ourselves, or even that dreaded word ‘no,’ is an unpleasant part of life. Children especially resent that reality and act as though we parents enjoy being negative, but what I’ve learned over the years is how challenging the application of ‘no’ can be. The cool points earned temporarily by saying ‘yes’ can feel very cheap when we look back and realize that more well-placed denials could have prevented our sons and daughters years of heartbreak or made a difference between life or death. Anyone can skin and grin in your face while ‘yes-ing’ your choices of destruction, but someone who loves you will keep it real.
“Mom, I can’t wait to get to Hollywood one day,” Darius—now a senior—told us during his sophomore year. After exploring an arts program at the beginning of his freshman year, my son found he enjoyed acting and stage performance, even winning $50 one year while performing Stevie Wonder’s classic, “Superstition.” Postcards and catalogs from performing schools across the country have filled our mailbox for years and he’s sure that his skills will, someday, take him to red carpet film openings and prestigious award ceremonies. It hasn’t been easy to watch his face fall when we explain how fickle fame can be or explain that, yes, he still needs to pursue a higher education and keep the money coming in as a backup plan. But the competition is too stiff and the struggle is too real for me to nod my only son into a delusional downfall.
It’s become easier and easier, unfortunately, to point out the ones—nationally known or even those within our family trees—-who never seemed familiar with the necessary concept of ‘no’: Local newscasts and national information outlets like Inside Edition and TMZ fire off story after story of self-destructing reality show stars, spoiled athletes and entertainers who are gifted with talent, wealth and fame and still find ways to sabotage it all by doing the very things they’re advised against. Perhaps the young should learn that someone who agrees with any and everything they want is likely to more of a fiend than a friend. 
They can also learn that in some cases, being refused can be a good thing, especially when their personal program needs work. “I was used to hearing ‘yes’ and getting my own way with women all the time before I met you,” Calvin told me around Valentine’s Day. “I was used to having girls call me first and do all the work, so when you refused to take my number it told me you were confident. No one had ever told me to cut back on beer and watch my diet, so it felt special to be cared about.”
And that’s what’s up: care, expressing concern and taking the time to lovingly correct…..just doesn’t seem like there’s much ‘hate’ going on in that.
