If phrases like “The Rationale of ‘Right Now’,” “East of Reason” and “The Smith and Wesson Test” sound familiar to you, chances are you’re a fan of the syndicated television show Divorce Court.
Presided over by Judge Lynn Toler, a former Cleveland Heights Municipal Court Judge and adjunct professor at Ursuline College, the half-hour episodes tackle everything from divorcing traditional and same-sex partners, dissolving cohabitation agreements between live-ins and counseling unmarried couples about whether or not to marry in the first place. No matter which scenario plays out in front of her, Judge Lynn uses wit and wisdom to resolve issues as audiences absorb valuable lessons.
I’ve enjoyed watching the fellow Ohio native since she took over the bench in 2006 and found her just-released second book, Making Marriage Work; New Rules For an Old Institution, as plain-spoken and powerful as its author. In the midst of presiding over new episodes and planning a book tour, the 52-year-old wife and mother spoke with me from Phoenix about parenting, common marriage mishaps and how couples can avoid face time in her courtroom.
Your book has plenty of revelations in it Ms. Toler, especially about the perception that marriage is practically extinct. Why do you feel differently?
“I think we’re all still looking to an older construct of marriage. Back in the 1940s and 1950s when my parents were married, you worked for the relationship because there was no opportunity for out. But once society allowed for that, as well as adding a culture of immediate gratification, no shame in sex before marriage or having a kid at sixteen…. put all of that together in a big pot and that’s what we have.”
You also state that one of the ways marriages go wrong is people moving too quickly; what are the advantages of long-term dating before marriage?
“Well, the dating persona is there for a while; I’m always doing my hair and I’m always laughing at the jokes, but a year later, when I’ve gotten sick or if the money isn’t right, then I’ve got to see how that person responds to all kinds of different stresses and pressures, because that’s what life is. Some people respond well and some don’t, which doesn’t have anything to do with you, but it does affect marriage compatibility.”
In the chapter “Ladies and Gentlemen,” you lay down ground rules in day-to-day dealings with the opposite sex: what are the most common mistakes that men and women make that directly relates to gender?
“A lot of men take for granted what we do for them. We don’t demand applause, but men demand recognition because their ego requires that. And since we don’t always demand it, they don’t do it as often as they should, and we can feel unloved. Women will do a lot for a little bit of love and ‘thank you.’
As for us, women speak in a way that they think is explanatory, but it’s really confrontational. Men just need a short sentence: ‘I need you to please do whatever’ instead of ‘I don’t see why you don’t understand that I do all this stuff and why can’t you just go get the milk!’ Ladies, we have to do The Ask; ‘Hon, can you go out and get me some milk? It would really help me out.’ Men like a nice, well-stated request.”
What advice do you have for parents to prevent their kids from being ‘baby-mamas’ or ‘baby-daddies’?
“It takes constant conversation; you’re fighting an all-day media behemoth that tells them bling is good and that they can get famous for doing nothing at all, and they have to have a plan. Everybody wants the American Idol life where you get rich quick, live like the Kardashians…and be applauded for just existing. And when you lose a sense of purpose, anything goes. Not having children when I wasn’t married was a religion for me because I had places to go and things to do, but if there aren’t goals or aspirations in place, anything will befall you.”
