“I’se still climbin’, and life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.” Langston Hughes

“I am not tragically colored……I do not weep at the world.” Zora Neale Huston

“To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time.” James Baldwin

The above classic couplets were created decades ago, in the early and mid- 20th century, by the great literary minds. With poetic flair and stark eloquence, all of them describe what it can mean, or feel like, to be Black. It’s both poignant, and painful even, that those words apply as deftly to now as they did when they were coined. I relate to all of them. And as the seismic shift in policies continues, when it comes to re-calibrating life with those who consider themselves Black, it must be said: Blackness itself is a beautiful thing; the burdens placed on that Blackness, however—-created by a Eurocentric society and systemic racism—– are not.

Despite the hard evidence and proof on multiple levels that racism is a multi-tiered and generational crisis non-whites cannot escape, there are whites who remain committed to believing the opposite: that Jim Crow-era terrorist tactics, voter suppression, ‘white flight’ and stereotypes, for example, are all in our heads. Those unfortunate individuals are ones that don’t get it and will refuse any efforts to, which is their prerogative.

But judging from most interactions I’ve had with whites—-from neighbors, friends, bosses, colleagues, and readers who reach out with experiences of their own to share and connect over—-many want to deepen superficial connections, become effective allies and keep their children from making the assumptions that they once did and are trying to learn from. I cannot speak for every single African-American, nor do I want that overwhelming task. But since I’ve spent nearly half a century as a Black person, I do believe that I can offer some tips and suggestions to those invested in lessening the divide:

1. AVOID DISMISSING AND/OR ‘WHITESPLAINING’ RACISM: In June, an editor for Webster’s Dictionary agreed with a college student that the definition of the term ‘racism’ needed to be updated to acknowledge how both prejudice and power feed the condition. In other words, anyone can be bigoted, but only those identifying themselves as white have the institutional foundation of laws and policies that embolden many to hire or fire, deny home loans, and call for the aid of law enforcement without getting profiled and endangered in the process. Attempting to argue that racism doesn’t exist or that what they saw didn’t happen is both hateful and demeaning. If you wouldn’t tell a woman that childbirth is painless, don’t try ignoring our daily realities just because you haven’t experienced them.

2. USE COMMON SENSE: If you wouldn’t want the words tumbling around in your head to be said to your wife, your sister, your grandmother or your child, refrain from saying them out loud to us. We have more in common than you realize, and if something feels even slightly like an insult, then guess what? It probably is.

3. REFRAIN FROM POLARIZING TOPICS AND SUBJECT MATTER UNLESS YOU’RE ALREADY FRIENDS: Hot-button events and personalities are best avoided until you know us better on a one-on-one level. Otherwise, randomly discussing the convictions of Bill Cosby or R. Kelly—-just two examples of many—-might be seen as a deliberate attempt to provoke a fight.

4. NEVER, EVER, EVER ASSUME: I cannot stress the degree to which we Blacks are NOT a monolithic group with identical thoughts, ideals or tastes. Some are thrilled at the removal of Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben as brand ambassadors, others couldn’t care less. Many can’t envision a Thanksgiving meal without a helping of chitterlings: I’m not one of them. We are individuals and want to be treated as such……just like you, right?