There are few things more inspirational than a single mother who’s taking care of business.
If you aren’t one, chances are that you know one: a lady who’s juggling jobs or alternating night shifts with night classes. And in the midst of it all, she’s also raising children. Being a single mother may not have been her original plan, but she embraces that reality and manages to thrive in the face of its challenges. I have nothing but love and respect for women like this; after all, I raised my son for more than five years as a single parent after a divorce and know firsthand that it’s a daunting task.
However, there is a difference between accepting a hardship and creating one, and that’s what some women do when they consciously ban the biological father of their children from participating in those young people’s lives.
I’m not referring to disinterested sperm donors, or fathers who are abusive, addicted, criminal-minded or insane. Those hapless souls should be barred until they receive the assistance they require, and no child needs to have that negative drama inflicted upon them just because of the blood ties. I’m bothered by the single mothers determined to attain martyrdom or so blinded by bitterness and revenge that they purposefully keep the children away from their birth fathers. They are unaware or don’t care that outright exclusion leave scars on the souls and psyches of the kids that they swear they’re trying to protect.
It happens for many reasons. Maybe she wants to punish the man. Or maybe she meets someone else and wants to erase the existence of the biological father altogether. But no matter why the mother cuts him out of the picture, she is doing a serious disservice to her child. Women cannot be both mothers and fathers to their kids. They may want to, and even attempt to, but they cannot.
A decade into the 21st century, this truism may be hard for many to swallow. It feels more empowering to trade single-mom war stories with the girls while Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman” blares in the background, but believing children don’t need fathers is an ill-advised delusion. Fathers do more than bring home a paycheck, mow the lawn or dole out the discipline; our sons need their blueprint of manhood to show them how to relate to women, what’s expected of men in society and how to achieve those goals. Our daughters need fathers to model how she should expect to be treated, what positive male affection feels like and the affirmations that his unconditional love can provide.
Without fathers, our sons may look like men, but they follow the warped examples offered by entertainers, athletes or other (in)famous thugs who teach their fans that tearing down women makes someone more of a man. Our daughters end up hungering for male attention and give their hearts – and bodies – to the first man with sweet talk and a smile. Later on, many grow up disillusioned about love and pass this dysfunction on to their own children if no one steps in to break the cycle.
It probably goes without saying that it’s not easy sharing your child’s holidays and school functions with a person who works your last nerve, but if the anger can be worked through and personal issues set aside for everyone involved, your child, instead of resenting you, will appreciate that sacrifice. If that still isn’t enough of a reason to let dad back in the picture, consider this unpleasant reality: Our streets and jails are filled to capacity with fatherless men, while too many strip clubs and abuse shelters are bursting with fatherless women. We have way too many obstacles in raising our children to carelessly and purposefully add another setback to the list.
