If a single sentiment were used to describe today’s relationships between African-American men and women, the computer screen would read, “It’s complicated.” For every general conflict that can arise from connecting with the opposite sex—-career expectations, child-rearing, gender roles and so on—-historical complications, including slavery and present-day racism, can increase life’s tensions and become toxic to everyone involved.
After Lincoln’s passing of “The Emancipation Proclamation” and Juneteenth being a widely-acknowledged holiday, it’s hard to accept that the legal ending of slavery hasn’t eliminated its consequences, nor the cultural shift that evolved from surviving. Generation after generation, African-American families raised children and entered marriages shaped around the possibility of being economically bereft, torn apart, and simultaneously, coping with the inhumanity of being black in a land that celebrated whiteness.
Some of the truisms that have echoed through time have been positive: revering one’s elders as keepers of tradition, for example, or strengthening legacies with family reunions. But one practice that’s proved detrimental through the years is “raising the daughters and spoiling the sons,” a lifestyle dictating that black boys and men are coddled by the women in their lives as girls are expected to endure life’s hardships, becoming what Zora Neal Hurston has once characterized as “the mules of the world.”
And once upon a time, that defense mechanism was justifiable: “Black Codes” and other Jim Crow-era laws disproportionately singled out the male breadwinners of black families, targeting them for prison terms or death. But today, too many of those female family members allow capable men to live as perpetual adolescents, getting their every want and need indulged as women struggle to make it all happen. The resulting arrogance and entitlement, now more visible due to the creation of social media, has now gone viral in the form of male-centered talk forums, best-sellers and reality shows.
For example, one of the newest examples of black chauvinism on parade is a new Oxygen reality series, Living With Funny. Starring comedians Brandon T. Jackson, Michael Blackson, Erik Rivera, Adam Hunter and DeRay Davis, the show focuses on their lives and on and offstage, including Davis’s “three-lationship” with two live-in girlfriends. A popular new series on Oprah Winfrey’s OWN Channel, It’s Not You, It’s Men, features a married Rev. Run and the single actor and R&B star, Tyrese, giving sexist ‘advice’ to women about life and relationships. The common denominator between the two are the rampant double-standards at work implying that women’s choices alone shape how men mistreat or exploit them, not personal responsibility on the mens’ parts.
If the slanted shows aren’t bad enough, rambling social media posts and vitriolic youtube videos dictate ‘ideas’ like the following: “He hasn’t asked you to marry him because you haven’t required him to.” “Dress how you want to be addressed.” “Fix your man’s plate and iron his clothes or your cousin Faith will,” “I need a ride-or-die chick to lift me up” “He made a pass at your daughter because she’s fast, just be glad you have a man”—-The litany of demands and one-sided expectations hurled at black women by these perpetually-needy ‘tall children’ vex the spirit, break the heart and wound the soul. When will more of our sons be taught to ‘man up’ for our daughters rather than the other way around? Why has it become so acceptable for black women to gain so little while giving so much?
According to the National Center of Education Statistics, African-American women have become the largest educated group in the United States. Despite the challenges that sexism and racism present, we have endured, then persevered. Imagine how much higher we can all fly together when grown boys become men and take on the weight…..or just get left behind.
