For any woman who considered herself to be the ‘settling down’ type, he looked like an ideal catch: employed, college-educated, reasonably attractive and not a felony in sight. It was also helpful that he was a lover of jazz, reading and even had a penchant for British comedies and highbrow entertainment. On paper and to many others in my circle, he seemed to have transcended the norm and was all but destined to be a wonderful husband and father. So why, folks wanted to know, after years invested and a child together, was I more done than stiffly-sprayed mullets and jheri curls and serving papers on his @$$?

Because there is a difference between being ‘grown’ and being an ‘adult’, and it’s hard to act and think like a real man when you’re more of the former than the latter. There were previous actions and instances that were actually red flags about his mindset that I had naively overlooked, but the incident that solidified his exit once and for all involved the car. Or, more specifically, the ex’s refusal to handle business with said car.

I had bought the vehicle with my half of the tax refund and used it each morning to drive to work. Ex asked me could he use the car to take our toddler to visit with relatives downtown while I was working and then he would be back in time to go in for the night shift. “Sure,” I said, “but make sure you check the oil before you take it anywhere because the level might be low.”
“Uh-uh—-you need to do that, it’s your car.”

I squinted at him in disbelief……I was doing him the favor by allowing the use of a vehicle that he didn’t drop a dime into so he wouldn’t be on the bus route with our son for most of the day, and he expected ME to check the fluids? Right before work…..REALLY?!?

So, because I couldn’t afford to sabotage our only vehicle, I did just that. Meanwhile, as the now–soon-to-be-Ex stood off to the side with our toddler and watched, I thought to myself, If I have to do practically everything, then why is this MFer even HERE? I thought marriage was about cooperation and compromise. Two years later, we were divorced.

I didn’t know it yet, but his selfishness and childish mindset were more common than I realized. Belonging to every race and age group, these types of men were probably sheltered or spoiled silly by their female caregivers and went without much positive male influence. They looked like normal men, but didn’t have the tools or knowledge to act like them. So, after decades of watching their mothers, aunties and grannies do it all, that’s what they expected from their wives and girlfriends—-the prerogative to remain eternal children. Meanwhile, if she’s lucky, he will allow her access to his penis and paycheck or an occasional gift here and there…..but little else. This is because, in his warped and under-developed mind, everything else is HER JOB. No matter how feminine she is, he expects her to function as his protector, provider and…..well, practically his surrogate parent.

If you’ve never heard of this pervasive issue, here’s the why: When women encounter a ‘tall child’ like this and get upset enough to speak on it, she usually gets one of two responses: ‘deal with it, you picked me/him’ or ‘your standards are too high.’ TC want the perks of leadership—-usually demonstrated by taking initiative, making provisions for and protecting their SO/household—-but think that putting in the work to achieve these goals is too difficult. Hell, according to ‘Baby Boy,’ isn’t there a man shortage as it is? He doesn’t have to do meet your ‘high’ level when he can find and exceed at a lower one.

Looking back, luckily, I believe I stopped the cycle quickly enough to prevent our son from following his father’s example: within 5 years time, I did enough solitude and counseling to be clear on where I messed up and what I needed and that work led me to the husband I have today. Everything that Ex once told me to ‘do yourself’ is what Hubby now does—-and GLADLY—- on a regular basis. The simple things I had to practically beg the ex to consider are AUTOMATIC tasks to the man I am married to now.

Most would think this means there’s a happy ending, right? WRONG. We have two daughters that will, all too soon, navigate this world as adults among Tall Children who might expect them to do all that a man should do, with less pay and muscle mass, as he underperforms at every opportunity. I even read a Facebook post yesterday that describing a woman’s boyfriend’s refusal to pump the gas, DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE WAS DRIVING HIS CAR-LESS @$$ AROUND IN HER VEHICLE. And guess what the responses were from group members: ‘you must have let him do that.’ ‘Stop being petty, why can’t you just pump the gas?’ ‘That’s what you get for being with him in the first place, who told you to pick him up off the bus stop?’

WOOOOOOOOOW.

Riddle me this: if men are supposed to be society’s leaders, WHY is the onus upon women to ‘choose better'(as if we can’t be misled, deceived or manipulated), but not upon men to ‘become better’? Why has the last 20-odd years been plagued with an abundance of immature males who think it’s perfectly acceptable to grow up—-or not—-on someone else’s time? How many REAL MEN are attempting to turn back the tide to what true manhood looks and performs like? If no one knows the answers or attempts to find them, further decline and dysfunction await us all…..whether we picked that reality or not.