A couple of years into life as a divorced single mother, my then-kindergartener Darius asked me The Question: “Mom, why didn’t you have any other kids?”
I used a tactful and age-appropriate version of the truth to respond. “Well, baby, a while after you were born, I realized that the marriage wasn’t going to work, and having another child with him would’ve made life even harder. That’s why you’re our only child.”
Darius seemed satisfied with the answer, but later, it was clear that the subject was far from closed: “Mom, I want a little sister.”
“You do?”
“Uh-huh.”
He rattled off the names of other relatives with siblings. “If they can have a little brother or sister, why can’t I have one, too?”
It was time to get real. “Well, Darius, I don’t want to have another baby without being remarried first.”
“But their parents aren’t married and they still had more kids.”
“I understand, sweetie, but that’s not a choice I’m comfortable with,” I said. “What we’ll have to do is talk to God about having another baby some day, and if it’s meant to be, He’ll send a husband along.”
The wait seemed both fruitless and frustrating, but just before Darius turned 8, I met his future stepfather and my future husband, allowing us to become a family and greet baby sister No. 1 the following year.
The lesson we taught Darius was that babies are precious and wonderful, but purposely having them while unmarried wasn’t ideal.
Unfortunately, that lesson is undermined by media that glamorize its alternative, such as Essence magazine’s latest issue featuring the “Single and Satisfied” Nia Long.
In the August edition, the 41-year-old actress (who’s appeared in Boyz N the Hood√ and Love Jones) discusses her personal life, professional goals and her adorable sons, 11-year-old Massai Jr. and 8-month-old Kez. While she’s still with Kez’s father, basketball player Ime Udoka, Long states that she’s “never seen a marriage work” and isn’t rushing to put a ring on it.
“Marriage is not a priority for me,” she said. “I’ve worked hard to have the career I wanted, but I’ve also been deliberate about my personal life. None of this is a mistake.”
So … Long has the talent and initiative to cultivate success in the film industry, yet utilizes the judgment of an infatuated teenager by bearing two children with two different men?
Wow.
Her views have generated celebration and criticism, with readers either supporting her (“Nia Long is grown, rich and happy, that’s all that matters”) or censuring the star for being yet another black woman adding to the disproportionately high number of African-American single moms (“It’s a shame that so many black women settle for being ‘baby mamas’”).
Since her parents divorced when she was a toddler, I understand Long’s distorted logic. After all, you can’t be what you can’t see. But should we dismiss the legitimacy of an institution because of the mistakes of others? Why be willing to create a lifetime DNA bond with a man, but so unwilling to legalize one?
Yes, Long is financially comfortable and will likely avoid the typical pitfalls that other single mothers encounter, but that isn’t the point. The horrific message that she and Essence are sending to her boys, their readers and the world is that black men are interchangeable and have little interest in committing to partners and families. It also underscores the erroneous perception that black women are good enough to have sex with, but not to marry.
It’s disheartening enough when mainstream media perpetuate those stereotypes, but when “the premiere lifestyle, fashion and beauty magazine for African-American women” reinforces those falsehoods, they’re not supporting their readership, they’re sabotaging it.
Yes, Essence’s pictorial of Nia Long and her sons may be beautiful, but their endorsement of self-absorbed “satisfaction” at the cost of children is not.
Lorrie Irby Jackson is a Briefing columnist. Email her at lorrie.irby@gmail.com.
1 Comment
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March 6, 2014 at 11:54 am