“You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first/she will and she can find a man who knows her worth.” Alicia Keys, “A Woman’s Worth”
OK, I guess I’m going to need someone to break it down for me in a way that I can understand: when did manners,common courtesy and minimal standards become too much to ask for when it comes to courtship?
The social phenomenon of ‘going out vs. hooking up’ was explored in a recent NY Times article entitled “The End of Courtship,” where singles and experts weighed in on the instant-gratification-or bust techniques that many young men have resorted to recently when it comes to securing one-on-one time with potential partners. (And to be fair, some men who are 30-plus, old enough to know better, have resorted to the same tactics).
According to the article, a man no longer approaches a young lady who piques their interest, starts a conversation and asks for her phone number to set up a date and explore the possibilities of a relationship, the trend among today’s generation seems to be a few flirtatious glances and a quick text fired off about ‘chilling,’ ‘hooking up’ and ‘hanging out.’ And usually, if the two of them hit it off, the expectation is that both of them indulge in all of the perks that come with a serious relationship, only without the all of the initial emotional investments.
Come again? Whatever happened to putting time, effort and planning into one’s first romantic encounter? When did “ ‘Sup’?” replace “Hi, how are you today?” And why have some men been led to believe that the ability to stand upright, fog a mirror and hold a job is enough to merit quality time and a long-lasting relationship?
Some believe it’s all about economics: More and more companies are treating their employees like disposable tissues, so there’s less stability and therefore, less money to be invested in an elaborate series of dates.
Others believe that it’s par for the course for living in a less-civilized society. They believe that in today’s internet-driven era, Facebook and LinkedIn connections tell us what we used to learn in those first few dates, so now face-time is used to just….well, cut to the chase.
Is this what we want our nieces, nephews, sons and daughters to look forward to when they feel ready to pursue a serious relationship?
Maybe, just maybe, it’s a two-fold dilemma at work here: perhaps the ‘Keepers Of The Old School,’ ones who know about the fine art of courting and civilized behavior, need to step to the members of the New School when they exhibit those trifling tactics. At the same time, we ladies need to raise our standards and demand better treatment from men who express interest in us. Think about it: if that Channing Tatum, Adam Rodriguez or Idris Elba look-alike wasn’t initially moved enough by what he saw to respectfully address you, attempt a genuine conversation and set aside enough time and money to pick you up or meet you for a decent outing, then why be bothered?
Maybe if those spontaneous invites were declined with “no thanks” and those lazy text greetings went unanswered, it would encourage the etiquette-challenged to step their game up (or get out of the arena).
I remember the time a man approached me and offered his number so we could talk and set up a date for the upcoming weekend: I politely declined. “I don’t call men,” I said sweetly. “But you could take mine instead.”
“O…K.” He wrote down the digits I recited. “Thanks, I’ll call you tonight.”
We were married eleven months later. Anything worth having is worth working for, and even in today’s fast-paced society, that standard should still include romance and relationships.
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After a rather lively online discussion regarding whether or not chivalry is dead, I decided to give modern day example as to why it is. The official definition of ther term is as follows:
chiv·al·ry (shvl-r) KEY
NOUN:
pl. chiv·al·ries
The medieval system, principles, and customs of knighthood.
The qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women.
A manifestation of any of these qualities.
A group of knights or gallant gentlemen.
In the days of old, a unwedded woman of noble character moving about in public faced unforeseen danger by unscrupulous men. In the event that a woman received unwanted advances or was under attack by strangers, a knight or distinguished gentlemen of the time would rush to her aid to defend her honor and protect her from harm. The same was not afforded to those of lower class rank, or those ladies of the night who more or less were left to fend for themselves.
Fast forward to present times whereby modern women claimed with great pride, their liberation from their male counterparts and demanded their equal rights through both the suffrage & feminist movements of the 20th century.
Having made great strides, gaining entry into many professions once only occupied by men, many women continued to tout their freedom and independence. So much so that the cliche “strong and independent woman” became a badge of honor and battle cry as commonly used a tooth brush.
Once proclaimed, one now OWNS that which they professed the desire to possess and once taken, there is no giving it back. Men, having heard and SEEN women make this proclamation on occassions too numerous to count, began to back away seeing no need to come to the defense of those making the claim to be as good or better than men.
For example, two men are walking down the street and they observe two strangers arguing. If the two individuals arguing are men and the argument ensues into a fight, the two men may spectate, but they won’t involve themselves into the fray. If the two individuals arguing are female, the two men may spectate, but they won’t involve themselves into the fray. But if the two individuals arguing are a male and female, the two men may spectate, but now there are conditions that will come into play. If the PERCEPTION is that the male is the instigator and aggressor, the two men would more than likely intervene on the females behalf.
But if the perception is that the female is the instigator and aggressor, the two men would more than likely continue on their merry way. For men, the equation is rather simple as 1=1 for if one claims to be as strong as a man, better be prepared to take your lickings like a man when you step up to one.
The moral of the story is THINK VERY CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU SPEAK, weigh ALL OPTIONS before you CHOOSE because the life you save….may be your own.
May 2, 2013 at 9:22 amIn this country at this time, there are far more people who have a FALSE SENSE of their self worth which is rooted in DELUSION, LIES, MISCONCEPTIONS, FALSE PERCEPTIONS and lack of personal responsibility, integrity and character.
Relationships and dating are affected by the laws of SUPPLY & DEMAND like any other valuable commodity traded in a open market place. BEHAVIORS are an integral, inseparable part on a individuals character make up and being. If a particular set of behaviors were not seen & deemed as appealing, they would be summarily rejected by the vast majority.
Conversely, if a particular set of behaviors were seen & deemed as appealing and desirable, people would flock towards it to the point of it becoming a scare commodity, hard to find that would come at a extremely high price point to attain.
ANYTHING & EVERYTHING that one offers to another, the person on the receiving end has THE CHOICE to ACCEPT or REJECT it. Once accepted, they are SOLELY RESPONSIBLE for the consequences, results and outcomes of their decision.
The first time I stepped onto a college campus was in May of 1979 at the age of 16 when I visited Oberlin College. My initial impression was great, as I attended a gathering of juniors and seniors who were part of the Black Student Union. My subsequent visits to other college campuses, were far less impressive. The atmosphere was pretty much the same no matter what the function or racial makeup, one would encounter drunkenness, loud uncontrollable behavior whereby at some time over the course of the evening, displays of public sexual activity would take place.
At the age of 19, I started DJaying and spinning records on the weekend and would club hop on weekends we didn’t have a gig. Before the club would close, there would be more phone numbers passed back & forth and folks leaving with a stranger on their arm they didn’t come to the club with.
A glove has no purpose without a hand to go on, therefore if the manner & approach that many of todays men use to attract the attention of women didn’t work, common sense and logic would dictate that they would have to adapt & change their approach to get success.
Thus many are operating with the IF IT AIN’T BROKE, DON’T FIX IT mentality as getting sex today in this promiscuous society, is easier to get than a traffic ticket or a home cooked meal.
May 2, 2013 at 9:21 am