When you live in a society that glorifies independence and emphasizes the concept of ‘self,’ it can be hard to recognize the difference between upholding one’s standards and refusing to compromise.
Since the beginning of time, stories of men and women who bow to nothing or no one have spawned legends, regaled stage and screen audiences and even inspire chart-topping hits (“My Way,” “You Don’t Own Me,” “Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves,” etc.).
Whether the stories are factually based or fictionalized, being the lone warrior is often championed because of the courage it takes to stand alone on the basis of one’s beliefs.
But when the reasonable expectations of others are routinely forced to function as the background to your foreground, then it’s time to re-assess your definition of compromise and make a change.
The ‘my-way-or-the-highway’ mindset is practically ingrained: during the toddler years, when we’re swiping kids’ toys or snatching a cookie off the counter just because we want it, we need guidance to understand boundaries and the rights of our peers.
As we grow older, we also learn that no one gets their way all of the time, change is inevitable and that it’s better to give a little to get a little rather than having it all and being alone.
We can all probably think of an overbearing and egomaniacal man or woman that we worked for, hung out with or even found ourselves married to until the day their overweening sense of entitlement became too much.
They would be cool with you as long as you went along with their mandates, but the day you defied them and wore pumps instead of flats or decided that Flight was the best movie of the year instead of Skyfall, you’re suddenly persona non grata and blocked from their Facebook page.
As far as these types are concerned, being open to collaboration is a liability and those who won’t comply to their standards are dismissed. So what if they only see their kids once every few months, never get recommended for a promotion or never seem to clinch a second date? It’s the other’s loss or problem because he or she is always right. End. Of. Story.
What healthy compromise is made of—maintaining a strong sense of self while incorporating the wants of others— is a challenge that anyone can struggle with, even happily married couples like Calvin and I.
December will mark, Lord willing, seven years of matrimony. Two adults learning to share living space is trying enough, but when there’s a grade schooler and a new baby for which to make adjustments for at the same time, being in love wasn’t enough.
Years of bachelorhood and single parenting had allowed us to develop a rigid set of routines that could’ve imploded our growing family from the inside out if we didn’t learn to be more considerate of one another’s time, possessions, personal space and all of the other quirks and oddities that clashed mightily when brought together under one roof.
But like any other good thing that’s done excessively, too much compromise can become as toxic as too little. Demanding total compliance while offering little in return is bad enough, but consistently ignoring your own wants and needs to benefit the world at large can be even worse.
Our interests, opinions and truths determine the core of who we are, and siphoning off pieces so others will accept us is becomes surrender. And when total capitulation is required to ‘go-along-and-get-along,’ whatever we might gain in the process is never as valuable as what was given away.
http://youtu.be/lGl-wpug1tU
